“He had always been so secure in every way…and then he discovered that I was perfectly insecure.” —Eleanor Roosevelt

When I got married, I didn’t know who I was.

I thought I did. I thought I knew everything about me. I had gotten married in my early thirties so I naturally assumed that by that time in my life, I was pretty secure in who I was.

What I didn’t realize was that I was living my life as a complacent version of my best self. I was everything I thought I should be, and everything everyone wanted me to be.

My husband, on the other hand, has always lived his life as his own person. It’s more than self-assurance, it’s the silent confidence that comes from never having had a need to question who you are.

It had never occurred to my husband to be anything other than himself, while it had only ever occurred to me to be anything but myself.

The truth was, I had never spent one moment of my life living as the person I wanted to be. Honestly, I didn’t even know who she was, what she liked, or even what she wanted in life.

My first few years of marriage was an illuminating journey into facing my past, self-acceptance, and self-love.

Of course, I learned a lot about all the usual stuff like fighting fairer, sharing space, and financial accountability, but the most important and powerful life lessons I learned went much deeper than all those things combined.

1. The ‘Good Wife’ is a Myth

When I first got married, I was a walking, talking, living caricature of what I thought a good wife was supposed to be.

While my husband took a more casual approach to our marriage, I came in with already defined roles and firm beliefs. I was determined to live up to the universal expectation of being a ‘good wife.’

I did the dishes, cleaned the house, cooked the dinner, never declined a family invitation, and always appeared pleasant and gracious, no matter how inconvenienced I was, or how uncomfortable I felt.

I kept my real feelings to a minimum, and made sure my appearance and outer composure always reflected a woman who had it all together all the time.

Why I did all these things? Because that’s what I thought a good wife was supposed to do.

It never occurred to me to ask who was the woman behind the good wife? What were her likes and dislikes? And more importantly, who came up with her definition anyway?

I thought only about what a good wife did, not who she was.

A good wife is a standard that we oftentimes let family, friends, spouses, or even social media define for us, when it is really is a title or term we can only give to ourselves, if we choose to.

A good wife has less to do with what you do, and more to do with who you are as a person, because who you are is ultimately what determines what you will do.

2. Other People’s Marriage Advice Should Stay as That—Advice

From family, to friends, to coworkers, to well-wishers, there is no shortage of marriage advice out there.

When we first got married, my husband and I received an endless array of marital anecdotes such as ‘don’t go to bed angry’, ‘go on date night once a week’, or ‘happy wife equals happy life.’

While most advice was well-intentioned, there were always a few that came off more as ominous words of warning, than good-natured luck for the future.

I once had a colleague tell me to be prepared for when the honeymoon period wears off, because that’s when every little thing your spouse does will annoy you. His comment worried me for months, and I constantly was on guard for when all my husband’s seemingly cute quirks, would one day turn into corrosive gestures of annoyance.

I thought by being mindful of everyone else’s forewarnings, I would be preventing unnecessary problems, but instead, all it did was create problems where none had existed before.

Good advice is meant to head off problems before they arise, but there are so many mixed messages we receive about marriage, that well-meaning advice can inadvertently cause you to focus on all the things that really aren’t that important.

It’s impossible to learn all we need to know from those around us when we ourselves are unique individuals.

Marriage is a very personal experience largely regulated to the personalities of the two people who make up the relationship.

You have to live your own experiences.

We all have different obstacles to face, and the best way to deal with them is something you’ll figure out as you go through it, not before.

3. The Amount of Self-Love You Have is Directly Proportional to the Amount of Love You Are Able to Give and Receive

As a child, I was constantly told I wasn’t loved and unwanted, and these feelings of worthlessness seeped into my marriage in many unseen ways.

While my husband and I shared many sweet and tender moments, there were also many other baffling moments where I found myself rejecting many of his loving gestures.

I was acting out in this way, because deep down I felt unloved and unworthy of receiving love. My inner dialogue was full of self-hate. I was always putting myself down, constantly second-guessing my decisions, and prone to bouts of depression.

When you feel like you don’t deserve love, it’s hard for you to be open to receive it.

Facing your past will give you a better understanding of who you are, and why you do the things you do.

The more self-love and self-compassion you have for yourself, and all the things you’ve been through, will make it easier for you and your partner to openly, and unashamedly, accept and give love in return.

Although it’s been very difficult, and very trying on my marriage at times, my journey to self-acceptance has made my husband and I more deeply connected in ways I never imagined. It is an ongoing process of love and healing both my husband and I willingly choose to continue to explore together.

4. Your Family’s Relationship History is Not a Prediction of Your Relationship’s Future

Family legacies are powerful things.

My family tree is littered with bitter divorces, secret relationships, and forced reconciliations that wouldn’t exist if not for the children involved.

Based on my family’s history, I should have run as far as I could in the opposite direction of marriage. But had I done that, I would have missed out on one of the most fulfilling relationships in my life.

I often hear people say that because their parents got divorced, never got married at all, or would fight all the time, that a happy marriage is something they just could never see themselves in.

Don’t waste your time worrying about all the broken and messed up relationships in your family. You don’t have to have the relationship or marriage your parents had unless you want to.

You are in control of your life. Your desires are not the same as your parents, and only you know what you want from love and a relationship.

It’s not in your blood to be in a bad relationship, but it is in your head, and you have to focus on yourself and your own needs to break free of that.

5. Every Marriage is Different

This may be the simplest lesson, but it is also one of the most powerful— no two marriages are alike.

In the age of social media and critical family members, it’s hard not to compare your relationship, and your happiness, to others.

When I stopped comparing my relationship, and began to give the approval I sought from others to myself, my marriage became a much more sacred space.

The more I began to respect myself and my husband, the more personal and private my marriage became. While I don’t mind having a fun and open-ended conversation about marriage, I also no longer feel the need to share intimate details for someone else’s approval.

Different relationships are happy for different reasons, and most people don’t know all the behind the scenes details of what a couple had to go through to earn their relationship happiness.

Don’t waste your time comparing your special moments to someone else’s. You’ll only end up missing out on the happy experiences you could be creating with your spouse.

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My relationship with my husband is nothing like what I thought it would be. It’s so much more personal than I could have ever anticipated, and attuned to our individual needs. That’s not to say that we don’t have our problems or disagreements, but there is so much more beneath the surface.

Whoever I thought I was, and whoever I thought I would be—as a wife, a friend, and just as a good human being—today is nothing like the woman who walked down that aisle all those years ago.

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If you have anything you’ve learned from your marriage, or long-term relationship, that may be a benefit to others, please feel free to share in the comments section below.