Subconscious self-destruction and how to recognize it
There’s a subtle unawareness to self-sabotage.
Many of us at some point in our lives have knowingly indulged in counterproductive behavior, but what makes self-sabotage so much more harmful is that we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
It’s only with the tinge of regret after an event has already passed, that we begin to look back and think to ourselves that perhaps we could’ve done or said things a little differently.
So, what does self-sabotage look like?
It looks like you wanting to sit down and write, but instead, you pour yourself a drink and tell yourself you’ll get to it later once you relax a little.
It feels like you’re standing up for yourself by yelling at your boss when he makes you angry, but in actuality, you’re destroying your chance of building long-term professional relationships.
It sounds like you calling out of work constantly because you don’t like your job, which will directly result in less money, and indirectly as being viewed as an unreliable employee.
Self-sabotage is like advice with ulterior motives. On the outside it seems helpful, but on the inside, it will destroy everything you’re actually trying to work toward.
Why We Sabotage
So why do we self-sabotage? Why would anyone actively and knowingly move against their own best interests?
The short answer is, we don’t know we’re doing it.
Self-sabotage is a form of self-destruction that happens very much on a subconscious level, just slightly out of our awareness.
“Self-sabotage is any kind of conscious or unconscious behavior that undermines our successful functioning in the world.”
ASCA (Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse)
Self-sabotage is a response to stress, and usually manifests itself when you’re young.
For me, my self-sabotage behavior took the form of extreme avoidance. It was my coping mechanism to escape from the stress and defeat of my childhood. I would avoid conflict with my parents in an attempt to save myself from a much harsher outcome if we were to interact.
I began to master how to walk on eggshells, how to pick up on people’s subtle shift in their mannerisms, or slight change in their tone of voice. I knew my parents were angry, annoyed, or upset before they did, and this made it easier for me to avoid them.
But as I got older, it became clear that these same protective measures that once had protected me as a child, were inevitably sabotaging me as an adult.
I became an adult in constant flight mode. If I didn’t like my job, I’d quit. If I didn’t like what a friend did or said, I just stopped answering their calls. When situations began to feel too uncomfortable, I just stopped showing up emotionally, and sometimes even physically.
My constant need for avoidance and escapism prevented me from learning from difficult situations that had I endured, could’ve helped me emotionally mature and grow as an individual.
Self-sabotage is like action without insight. Its main motive is to free you from an uncomfortable feeling or situation in the present, but with no real regard to how those actions will impact you in the long-term.
Turning Self-Sabotage into Self-Awareness
It’s important we recognize our own forms of self-sabotage, because without that internal insight, we remain stuck, constantly reliving the same life scenarios again and again with no real way out.
It’s easy to point out someone else’s counterproductive behavior, but hard to spot it within ourselves, which is why I created this list based on my own personal experiences. These subconscious habits have all in some way hindered my personal growth, stunted my professional opportunities, and held me back from working on the things in my life that meant a lot to me.
Maybe you’ll recognize a little bit of yourself in some of these too, and if so, be able to use that self-awareness as the starting point for creating positive change in your life.
1. Narrow Outcomes
As far as you’re concerned, you already know how you need things to work out.
You’ve spent a long time envisioning how that job promotion is going to come, how that reconciliation conversation is going to go, or how that new relationship is going to feel, and if those outcomes could just hurry up and get here, you’d be able to move on already.
Unless everything works out perfectly (which it hardly ever does) you’re setting yourself up for the potential to experience some major disappointment if things don’t go the way you had hoped.
Leaving yourself open to only a few possible outcomes, can leave you feeling completely vulnerable and unprepared if things don’t work out, and unable to identify any potential opportunities that may present itself within an unexpected outcome.
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
Helen Keller
If not more open-minded, at the very least practice being more open-ended about the natural unpredictability of life. Place your trust not in the outcome itself, but in your own resourcefulness and ability to be able to handle whatever may come your way.
2. Downplaying the Positive
Every good thing that happens to you isn’t just a fluke, just like every bad thing that happens to you isn’t divine providence having a go at you either.
When bad things happen to us, we tend to over-focus on the negative, all while giving no credit, to the positive experiences that come out way.
Constantly validating your negative experiences, all while downplaying your positive ones, makes it much more difficult for you to accurately appraise your self-worth, your talents, and your opportunities.
Treat your bad experiences the same way you do the positive, and reflect on both equally. Each have something valuable to offer you in terms of personal growth and emotional perspective.
3. Chronic Pessimism
I wouldn’t describe my former self so much as a “Negative Nancy,” but more so as “Realistic Rachel.” I thought my negative view was the right view, and somewhere in me I believed that if everyone could just confirm and see how crappy things really were, then in some way, I would feel better.
Being chronically pessimistic, or overly negative, about your life, and your future, may be a sign of some much-needed inner validation.
Don’t mistake your pessimism for realism. It’s okay to have a healthy dose of skepticism, just make sure while you’re pointing out all the bad that could happen, you’re also taking a moment to acknowledge some of the good that is possible as well.
4. Looking for Sympathy in All the Wrong People
I use to confide in all the wrong people, at all the wrong times, and in all the wrong places. From coworkers, to employees, to bosses, to friends I hadn’t spoken to in long time, if someone gave me an opening, I took it.
Where I thought I was connecting with people by openly sharing my problems, in retrospect, I probably was more likely repelling them with my many, many unsolved personal issues.
I confided in the wrong people with the wrong expectations – not because I truly needed to vent, but because I wanted something from that person that I didn’t know how to give myself.
If you find yourself confiding in people, but deep down you know you want something more from the conversation- a certain response, or a specific reaction – take a moment to reflect before going all in.
This does not mean you can’t confide in others or vent your frustrations, it simply means to take a step back to examine what it is you really need from that conversation.
5. Worrying Too Much About What’s Fair and Not Fair
I use to take the old saying, life isn’t fair, very personally.
At times, it felt like that saying was specifically put into circulation just to invalidate all my experiences; and because of this, I spent a long time holding on to my resentment and anger from life events that had long since passed.
Getting too caught up in what’s fair and not fair can turn into a big time and energy waster. There is no perfect equation for luck, nor a direct correlation between effort and success.
“I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
Thomas Jefferson
Fairness in many ways is just a matter of perspective. Sometimes life has been good to you and sometimes it has not, and work on trying to find your own sense of peace and balance within that.
6. The Everyone is Better than You Complex
There’s a healthy form of comparison, and then there’s just plain old self-defeat.
It’s simply not possible that everyone else in the world is better than you, smarter than you, luckier than you, more talented than you, etc.
We all feel that twang of envy, but it shouldn’t stop you from continuing to work on your goals. Don’t let where others are or what they have achieved deflate you, instead, let it be the fuel that powers your motivation to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be.
7. Waiting for Your Life to Begin
This can also subtly manifest itself as what’s often termed as a ‘savior complex’ – whether it’s waiting for the right opportunity, or the right relationship, either way, it’s believing that your better life can only be found in some future circumstance that hasn’t yet arrived.
The problem with this line of thinking is that you want your life to change first, and then you’ll follow along, but rarely does it ever work out like that.
“Beware of Destination Addiction. A preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job and with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.”
Robert Holden
I know it feels like when life shows up, you’ll be ready, but the thing is, life is here now, and the only way to truly live it is in the moment.
The more you wait for life to begin, the more it ends up just leaving you behind. Your better you isn’t waiting in a some future version of events, that person is already here now.
Recognizing self-sabotage is not meant to be used as a tool of self-blame, but rather as a means to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our true emotional needs.
Self-sabotage causes us to live below our true potential because of fear. By becoming more aware of our own destructive behavioral patterns, we can then begin to do the real inner work needed to free us from the things that keep us bound from experiencing the life we can truly create for ourselves.
