I got married! Me (of all people) got married. And not one of those messed up, “this is my last chance at happiness” kind of married, but one of those, “I think there’s something there- something deeper, something eternal and meant to be” kind of married.

I won’t share everything that happened here, it’s just too much to write, but I will share some of my experiences from that day. But before I begin, I also want to say that getting married is more than a day, it’s an experience, and like a lot of other experiences in my life involving my family, this one was not good.

For my bridal party, I had asked all of my sisters to be my bridesmaids. Looking back, while I can’t say what I expected from them, I can tell you why I chose them to be by my side. I chose them because I have always felt comfortable around them. I don’t have a lot of friends, and even with the few I do keep in touch with, I’ve always felt a bit out of place.

The few times where I’ve ever been able to feel completely comfortable, and completely myself have always been during the times I was with my sisters. Now this in no way means that we get along regularly, or are even very close. It just means that in the few flashes in my life where I’ve felt as though I belonged, have always been in those rare moments with my sisters.

But as much as I love my sisters, I overlooked the most important thing-that we are all a product of the same upbringing; and just as much as I struggle to feel normal, they do too. I think we care about each other, but it is from afar, it is something we can’t show or even know how to, we weren’t raised that way; we aren’t built that way.

I should have seen it coming, but just like my family, I ignored the obvious too. It was obvious no one cared that I was getting married. None, and I mean NONE of my sisters asked how the wedding planning was going, asked if I was okay, asked anything at all. No one threw a bridal shower, no one threw a bachelorette party, no one did anything.

I want everyone to know that it wasn’t about having a party, or having everyone there to help and devote their time.  For me, it was about so much more. It was about wanting to feel cared about by the people closest to you, even if it was just for one day.

At the wedding rehearsal, one of my sisters didn’t show up because she got a DUI on the way there and was arrested. I spent the night before the wedding trying to find a way to bail her out of jail. We did get her out, but of course at that point I asked her not to be in the wedding. Her behavior was too unpredictable.

Me and my husband aren’t extremely religious people, so during the ceremony we thought it would be a nice touch to have both of our dads get up and say a few words. We asked each of them to share something about us as individuals, and our respective families, as a way of tying the moment together.

When it came my dad’s turn to speak, he got up in front of everyone and talked about the other guys I use date, how I use to bring them to the house, and how he would oftentimes sit and talk with them. He even brought up one of my ex’s in particular he had oddly enough seen the other day, and how well he was doing. I don’t know if he was trying to be funny, insightful…I just don’t know. But what I do know is how I felt in that moment. I remember standing there at the altar, in front of all my friends and family, my husband’s friends and family, feeling so ashamed. I felt there in front of everyone how I had always felt growing up–ashamed to be me.

During the reception, my dad called together several members of the family and decided to have an intervention for my sister about her drinking. I can only assume his thinking on this was that since all the family was there, it would be a good time to confront her.

I didn’t necessarily know at the time what was happening, all I knew from where I sat with my husband was that all my family had gotten up and left the reception at the same time in a mass exodus. Everyone noticed, I could see my husband’s family, and other people at the wedding looking at me, or away from me, because they felt embarrassed for me, the bride. Many of my family members didn’t even bother to return to the wedding after the intervention.

This is just a very small snippet from my wedding day. I wish I could tell you all everything that happened, but it’s too hard and still too fresh. But what I can tell you is how I felt. I felt like I didn’t matter, I felt like how I feel doesn’t matter. I guess deep down, what I was truly hoping for was that my wedding day would be the day where one of my biggest dreams would come true. The dream that for just one day, it felt good to be me.

I can’t emphasize enough that it was NOT about having the perfect wedding, it really wasn’t. The beautiful wedding dress, the tiered cake, the wedding favors selected with so much thought and consideration, all mean nothing when you don’t feel loved.

Of all the things we take from each other, I wish my family didn’t take that day from me, from my husband. I wish they didn’t take that feeling from me, it was the only thing I wanted.