The abuse may be over, but the effects are still visible in our day-to-day lives

Recovering from childhood emotional abuse is an ongoing process.

I’ve met some survivors who seem to have fully recovered, and I’ve met others who are just like me, still trying to find ways to cope and manage on a day-to-day basis.

Some days are good where it feels like my past was just that, my past, and other days it’s a continual battle just to make it from one moment to the next.

In many ways, I think all survivors of childhood emotional abuse want the same thing – to be strong professionals, loving partners, understanding friends – we want to live an emotionally and mentally normal life. A life that feels the way it looks.

Everything in my life always looked fine on the outside, but on more days than I care to count, on a deeply personal level, I was subtly aware it was not.

Only when looking back over my life, at the constant cycle of bad decisions, broken relationships, and unsteady career moves, can I then begin to trace a pattern. To clearly see the quiet damage unresolved childhood trauma can do to one’s life.

This is one of the many lingering effects of childhood emotional abuse, you’re left battling an almost invisible problem, only faintly visible through the tiny cracks of unhappiness that appear across the landscape of your life over time.

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” -Unknown

The Importance of Recognizing Our Pain

We are always communicating with ourselves. Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly trying to get our own attention.

As scary as it can be, the problem areas of our life, the places of our psyche we may at times be too afraid to go, show us where the root of our problems live, and how they are to be fixed.

When we recognize and acknowledge our pain, we are essentially recognizing ourselves. We are finally giving a voice to a piece of our soul that has for too long been ignored, pushed aside, and mistreated.

One of the first ways I began to recognize my abuse was by actually calling it just that, abuse.

It wasn’t until a few years ago, after I started attending group therapy for adult survivors of childhood abuse, that I began to actually put a name to what had happened to me.

Although I grew always having a sense that something was wrong, the dysfunction and neglect in our household had been going on for so long, that it had become normalized in a sense. It was my family’s own version of normal.

Most glaringly, no one ever talked about what was going on in my parent’s house, and when our family problems were brought up, they were either openly denied or downgraded with such remarks as, “well every family is dysfunctional,” or “that’s just the way your mother is.”

Within abusive family systems, the term abuse rarely comes up. This is because when abuse is applied to a person’s actions, it automatically creates a responsible party. And for many abusers, or family members who stand by as abuse occurs, the key to avoiding blame, responsibility, and forced introspection is to downplay, dissuade, or even deny that their behavior constitutes abuse.

There is power in recognition.

Openly confronting the abuse I had suffered, and recognizing the true root cause of many of my problems, completely changed the direction of my recovery efforts. Instead of trying to fix the cosmetic layer of my problems (i.e. general lethargy, functional depression, disinterest in life, toxic relationships), I began to deal with my problems on a much more personal level.

Recognizing our problems for what they truly are gives us strength, power, and direction to heal them from a deeper place. Continuing to ignore, deny, or not be fully aware of their existence, keeps us bound by the same silence our abusers used against us.

Coping with the Adult Effects of Childhood Emotional Abuse

Oftentimes, the effects of childhood emotional abuse on our adult lives is unseen, and frequently misattributed.

In many instances, we believe our problems are signs of personal weakness – our inability to handle stress, manage our emotions, or find healthy relationships – when the truth is, our surface-layer problems may be trying to get our attention to something deep down within us, that was wounded long ago, still calling out for healing.

If you find yourself aware on some level of the impact your childhood emotional abuse is having on your adult life, here are a few indicators and coping techniques you can use to help you through your healing journey.

1. You Always Feel Bad About Yourself

Because emotional abuse generally takes place over a long period of time, in many cases for years, it can result in chronically low self-esteem that feels normal.

I was emotionally abused from the time I can recall my earliest memories, up until I moved out after college. My first sense of self that I gained from my parents was that I was a burden, unloved, and stupid.

Although I tried my best to excel at school, and later on in my career, I found myself always battling inner feelings of failure, self-doubt, depression, indecisiveness, and anxiety.

Low self-esteem can be very subtle, and hard to identify, especially if you grew up always being made to feel worthless. Keep in mind, there is nothing normal about constantly feeling bad about yourself.

Coping Technique – Refrain from referring to yourself in negative terms

When you find yourself falling short of your personal goals or intentions, don’t call yourself lazy, stupid, or someone who just never gets it right.

Our internal dialogue was first learned, and referring to yourself in negative ways is reinforcing the control and hold your emotionally abusive parent, or family member, had over you to keep you submissive and compliant.

Try treating yourself with more compassion when you feel disappointed in your own actions. Like telling yourself affirming statements such as, “I did the best I could given how I was feeling,” or “I made the best decision I could given the information I had at the time.”

This will help to take the glare off of what you think are your shortcomings, and reflect your thoughts and energy back on what really matters, your strengths.

2. You Feel You Can’t Be Your Real Self Around Your Family

Individual identity doesn’t really exist in abusive households.

This is because the family identity, or family façade, is more important than the individuals who make up that family. It’s also about maintaining power. As long as others see the family as a single, cohesive unit, identifying abuse, becomes that much more difficult.

In emotionally abusive households, it’s hard to be anything other than who you are treated as, and even as you get older, you may find it difficult to be your true self around your parents or other family members. (Check out my post, How to Finally Be Yourself Around Others, for more insight on self- acceptance).

I remember my husband saying something to me about just telling my dad what I liked, and the idea literally filled me with a sense of fear and dread. It’s not that my parents hated individuality wholesale, it’s just who I was as a person, literally didn’t exist as a concept in our house.

If your likes and dislikes are secret features of your personality, only reserved for the closest of friends or spouses, this can be a key sign that there is a deeper problem in your family setting.

Coping Technique – Create Your Own Safe Space

Not all families are safe spaces, and sometimes, who we truly are just cannot be comfortably expressed around certain family members, or gatherings.

Many times, we find it hard to not only be ourselves around other people, but to also be ourselves when we are alone.

For many years, I always felt like I wasn’t exactly sure of who I was or what I truly wanted. This went deeper than a general confusion about the direction of my life, I had a subconscious fear to even express, voice, or think about my own likes in a completely private space with myself.

The most important safe space you can create for yourself is within yourself.

Try journaling about the things you use to enjoy, or things you want to start, and make a commitment to try a few of them. Rediscovering old passions, or exploring new interests will help you to not only feel more comfortable with yourself, but also around others as well.

3. It’s Hard to Feel Present in the Moment

Feeling as though you can never truly be present in the moment can be a form of dissociation – the act of mentally or emotionally separating or disconnecting yourself from a situation.

This can be the result of trying to escape traumatic events, or chronically painful situations.

Sometimes this can present itself as always feeling the need to be “on” or “on guard.”

In the moment, it may feel like you are watching things as they happen around you, but don’t necessarily feel as though things are happening to you, even if they really are.

For many years, I felt like I could never truly be in the moment, even during important or happy events in my life. No matter what was taking place, I always experienced things from an emotionally and mentally safe distance. Even in seemingly casual settings, I was always careful to watch my reactions, and respond the way I thought I should.

A part of this was because of fear, and a part of it was because I was never completely sure of how I truly felt.

Coping Technique – Build a stronger connection to your sense of self

One of the reasons you may find it difficult to be present in the moment is because you may have learned to disconnect from how you were feeling in order to survive.

As a child, I began to retreat more and more into a fantasy world to help cope with my home life. This protective measure insulated me from some of the bad things happening to me, however, as I got older, I had a hard time breaking free of this need to always mentally escape from stressful situations.

Build a more direct connection to your own sense of self by taking a few moments each day to ask yourself, “How am I feeling?”

Add this simple question to your morning routine, or find a few free moments during your day to do a self-check-in. This will help to build trust within yourself, so that you feel more confident in your ability to handle challenging situations by understanding how you feel. 

 

4. You’re Afraid to Change

“Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness to me.” – Sonu

Change is an anathema to abuse. 

Emotionally abusive parents have a need to create a specific version of you in order to justify their behavior or reactions. Some parents will even go as far to create emotionally manipulative situations where of course you would become mad or upset, therefore proving you are the angry or over-sensitive child.

Even simple things like wearing different clothes, or just expressing a different point of view, can be seen as a direct challenge to their authority. To the emotionally abusive parent, change is a form of losing control.

The version of me my parents created was that I was always the bad, selfish, and ungrateful child who never listened.

This identity was also reinforced through social shaming, as my parents would often share embarrassing stories or intimate details about me with relatives or family friends, in order reinforce their created perception of me.

Although I deeply resented how it made me feel, I felt powerless to do anything about it, and as a form of self-preservation, I began avoiding standing out in any way, or doing anything that could potentially draw attention to myself.

Coping Technique – Start Small and Try Something You’ve Been Wanting to Do

I started with my hair.

This may not seem like much, but for me, I grew up in household where anything that could get you noticed, could get you ridiculed.

While I felt good about the change I made to my hairstyle, I was still literally petrified to go to work the next day, in fear of what others would think or say. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Most people gave a causal compliment, while others didn’t really seem to notice much.

A big part of our fear of change is the fear of reaction.

Even as adults we can still feel afraid of being made fun of, ridiculed, or just the object of someone else’s conversation.

It takes confidence to change, so start small and try doing something you’ve been wanting to do for awhile. The more you incorporate littles changes into your life, and begin do the things you have a heart to do, the more confident you will feel in yourself over time.

5. Deep Down, You’re Still Looking for Someone to Save You

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” -Buddha

As a child I was always dreaming that someone would come and save me.

That one day, someone would take me away from all the pain, and from everything my parents were doing, so that I could live and enjoy my life.

But the truth was, as is the case in many abusive homes, no one ever came to save me, and in fact, the people who were aware or disapproved of what my parents were doing, simply looked the other way.

As an adult, this chronic need to be saved materialized into a savior complex.

The validation I never got growing up, I began to seek out in everything and everyone around me. This oftentimes resulted in poor business decisions, toxic relationships, and lost friendships.

Emotionally abusive household can rob you of your personal power without you even realizing you had any to begin with.

As children, when we are turned into victims, it can be hard to break free of that role, even as we mature and grow older.

It wasn’t even until I was in my thirties that it even occurred to me to begin to validate my own feelings and past experiences. (I touch more on this journey in my post, I Refuse to Inherit My Parents Pain or Problems).

Once I broke down, and accepted that my problems were not going to get better on their own, I began to put things in place to help myself.  

That doesn’t mean I didn’t find help along the way, it meant that I had to let go of the belief that someone, or something, would come and save the day, right all the wrongs, and fulfill my hearts truest desires.

I had to accept that no one was coming to save me, but myself.

Coping Technique – Find Positive Ways to Validate Your Feelings & Experiences

“You survived the abuse. You are going to survive the recovery.” -Unknown

The emotional foundation you need to find healing and achieve the things you want to in life, begins within you.

The first time I even got a sense that I was a capable human being, not destined for failure, was when I read a piece of one of my journal entries about what it was like to be a child in my home in group therapy.

The support and understanding I received encouraged me to start writing and sharing my work more, and a few years later, this resulted in me starting this blog about writing and sharing our personal experiences.

Seek out a safe support system, like a trusted friend, spouse, group therapy, or therapist, who can offer encouragement as you begin to discover your own inner strength and potential.

Remember, you are intelligent enough, strong enough, and resourceful enough to find the healing you need to achieve the things you want in life, all you have to do is recognize this within yourself.

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I wrote this piece partly in response to the fact that very rarely do I come across a lot of writings about the negative impact childhood emotional abuse can have on your adult life. This doesn’t mean that we, as abuse survivors are not responsible for our own actions and decisions, but it does mean that there is always a source to our pain; and if we can uncover its roots, then we have a better chance of finding healing.

To other survivors of childhood emotional abuse, I hear you, understand what you are going through, and most importantly, I believe in you.