When I experienced my first emotional trigger, I had no idea what it was, or what was happening to me. The day had started normal enough. I showed up to work for a job I had just started several weeks earlier, and before the day was out, I had lost my job.

As I gathered up what little belongings I had at my desk, I called my boyfriend to tell him what had happened. We had been experiencing some problems lately, but I thought none of that would matter in comparison to me losing my job; but I was wrong. He seemed more annoyed than concerned, and before the day was out, I too had also lost my relationship.

I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do, who to talk to, or how to make things better. I couldn’t even let the full impact of the day hit me. When I got home, I went to sleep, and hoped that the next time I opened my eyes, everything would be different, and this would all be a bad dream.

When I woke up the next morning, everything was different, or more accurately, I was different. For the first time in my life, I had a feeling I had never experienced before–pure and raw anxiety. I could feel it coursing through my veins. I could feel it mentally, emotionally, and physically.

My head ached and my thoughts were cloudy and unclear. I felt a tightness in my chest that reached all the way to my upper back. I was uncontrollably nervous and felt an overwhelming sense of fear, even though I was in my own home.

This event marked a turning point in my life. Not only was my confidence destroyed, but so was my old sense of self. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had just experienced my first trigger, and my life-long battle with anxiety and depression had begun.

Understanding What a Trigger Is and Its Impact

Before this event, I never knew what a trigger was, or its potential impact. For years, I just assumed I was an emotionally weak person who couldn’t handle the ups and downs of life. It wasn’t until I attended group therapy where I learned that a trigger was a connection to a deeply buried trauma or event I had experienced in my past. It can take many forms, and even present itself in seemingly harmless situations.

I believe my whole emotional psyche changed from the experience of losing my job and relationship all at once. After this event, I became extremely sensitive and suffered from chronic fear. The smallest shifts in my surroundings or the most insignificant experiences had the power to turn me into an anxiety-ridden ball of stress and tears. From an awkward family event, to an off-handed comment by a colleague, or an ill-timed joke by a friend, it felt like anything and everything had the potential to emotionally destroy me.

It was absolutely debilitating, and for several years, I avoided social gatherings, friends, and even phone calls altogether. I thought I was protecting myself, but in reality, I was allowing the emotions from my past to control my present, and my future.

I knew I couldn’t go on avoiding common everyday situations forever. I needed to try to begin the process of identifying my triggers, and finding healthier ways to manage the emotions they brought up. Over the years, I had made a fair amount of progress, but after I got married, I found myself facing a whole new set of emotional triggers.  

My Biggest Trigger

My biggest trigger is actually fairly commonplace, it’s TV. Before I got married, I had never really been much of a TV watcher. There were a few shows I got into, or movies I really enjoyed, but for the most part, TV really wasn’t my thing. If I found a movie or show I liked, I would just watch it on repeat. I rarely watched new shoes, and hardly went to the movies. It never occurred to me that perhaps the reason I generally avoided watching TV was because I was trying to avoid certain emotional scenes, and the uncomfortable feelings it brought up. 

Impact on Life & Relationship

This probably would have been something I never would have ever noticed, if not for the fact that my husband LOVES movies. Like many people, he can’t wait for the newest shows to come out, and can easily spend a whole weekend binging on Netflix and YouTube. It’s how he relaxes after a long day. I have to admit, it’s more like his hobby than a habit. He even has a pretty substantial movie collection.

I started to notice myself feeling anxious whenever my husband started a new TV series, or put in a movie to watch. My unease became especially apparent when the story revolved around teens going through a difficult upbringing, or plots involving major life events that didn’t work out, despite one’s best efforts. For some reason, this brought up old feelings of loss, longing, and sadness within me. Even after several days had gone by, I still had a hard time letting it go. I guess it in some ways reminded me of my own life story, and the many disappointments I experienced growing up.

At first, I didn’t want to admit that something as simple as watching a movie could upset me in this way. I didn’t know how to address the problem, so I instead tried to avoid it. When my husband would turn on the TV to watch something new, I would go to another room, but this only marginally helped. Because we live in a small place, you can hear the TV in the other rooms, even if you close the door. I was constantly getting on my husband to turn the down the volume. It even got so bad that at one point I started asking (demanding) he wear headphones when watching TV (I know, not one of my finest moments).

This was becoming a major source of tension between us. I knew my husband wasn’t trying to intentionally upset me, and I felt guilty for responding to him with so much loaded attitude and annoyance, especially when he didn’t deserve it. This was causing a real disruption in our home life. I couldn’t keep trying to dominate the atmosphere of the house, just because I was having a difficult time coping with my problems.

Learning How to Effectively Cope

While I can’t avoid all my triggers, I have found several healthy and productive ways to manage the stress, anxiety, pain, and fear that may arise as a result of them.

1. Talk to My Spouse

The first thing I did, which I should have done a long time ago, was talk to my husband about how I was feeling. For over two years I avoided having a serious conversation with him about what I was struggling with, because I was embarrassed. Here I was as an adult and I couldn’t handle watching a pre-teen TV show without getting upset. I realized that hiding how I was feeling wasn’t fair to my husband, or to myself. Over time, I began to tell him how it would make me feel after watching certain shows with him. Although he had a few questions like, ‘why did watching a fake TV show make me upset,’ he was pleasantly understanding. He was just glad to know that the problem wasn’t him (and I’m sure also glad to know that he could go back to watching TV in peace). 

2. Learning to Say No

Talking to my husband was just the first step. I began to take more responsibility for managing my own negative emotions by learning how to say no. For me, this wasn’t about avoidance, it was about having a clear understanding of myself and the thoughts and emotions I was capable of experiencing in certain situations. Once I began to respect how I felt, it made it easier for me to politely say no. I even turned down watching a season of Game of Thrones. I know for some people this is blasphemous, but at the time I was working on a big project, and wanted to stay focused and clear-minded. If you’ve seen the show, then you know it can be an emotional rollercoaster. I chose to say no because I wanted to reserve my feelings for my work, and knew that once I finished, I could pick right back up where I had left off.

3. Accept that I’m Not Missing Out

This led me to my next realization, that just because I turned something down, doesn’t mean I am missing out. I never wanted to say no when my husband invited me to watch a show or a movie with him because quite honestly, I felt like I would also be saying no to spending time with him. I felt like I would somehow be missing out on a piece of our relationship. But the truth is, while there are many things my husband and I enjoy doing together, there are many more that we prefer to do alone, or with other people. New opportunities and experiences are always available, and there is no need to feel bad when I choose to sit one out.

4. Find a New Location

For awhile, I was in a sort of tug-of- war with my husband. I felt like he was the one who should be doing everything to adjust and make me feel more comfortable in our home. I became critical of his habits, and condescending of his tastes. Not knowing how to process my own negative emotions, prevented me from seeing that he wasn’t the only one responsible for making our relationship comfortable. While I can’t make the house any bigger, and there will probably never be a perfect volume setting my husband and I will ever agree on, there are other places I can go when I need some space and time to process how I am feeling, like my favorite bookstore or coffee shop. Honestly, because my husband is a creature of habit, and usually settles down to watch TV when he’s off work or on the weekends, I’ll oftentimes make plans in advance to spend a few hours at the bookstore, or if the weather is nice enough, at the local pool. This way we are both able to do the things we enjoy, and still be able to relax.

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Out of all this, the most meaningful thing I learned that helped me to manage my biggest trigger was accepting that there is no shame in being emotionally vulnerable in certain situations. This has allowed me to understand and appreciate myself and my feelings better. 

If you have something you do to help manage your triggers, please comment below. Maybe you have a mantra you say, a special place you go, or like me and my husband, I sometimes give him a certain look that lets him know when I’m ready to leave. You don’t have to list your triggers, as that can be triggering in and of itself, but please feel free to share, especially if you think it might help someone in your same situation.