There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough.
There really is no one specific moment that ended my relationship with my parents.
Rather, it was a series of moments—of arguments, fights, and missed opportunities for reconciliation—that had built up over time, slowly eroding our relationship from the inside out.
All the signs of decay were there, but like many problems in our family’s generational history, everyone just ignored them.
It was only after the relationship had collapsed in on itself, that people began to wonder how the damage had gotten so bad, where it all began, and most importantly, could it ever be repaired?
The Hard Reality of Estrangement
I believe the seeds of estrangement are planted in childhood.
While many on the receiving end of estrangement may feel blindsided by a family members decision to end a relationship, the truth is, for survivors of childhood abuse and dysfunction, it’s a much-delayed response to deeply buried problems, resentments, and pain, that have been allowed to fester and grow, unattended, over the course of an entire lifetime.
In essence, estrangement is an act of self-preservation. In the literal sense, it is cutting yourself off from the source of your pain, so that you can begin to find your own form of healing and peace.
For many of us who are estranged from our parents, it is often the case that we find ourselves fighting two metaphorical battles—the one with our parents, and the one against the social perception of our parents. Both are equally draining.
There is still very much a social silence surrounding childhood abuse, making it hard for those who choose to end a family relationship to have a voice.
Take for example the advice we give to those involved in abusive or dysfunctional relationships—we tell them to leave—however, if that relationship is with a parent, the advice somehow tends to change.
One of the reasons for this is because many have a hard time imagining a scenario where a parent could emotionally, mentally, or physically harm a child to such a degree that it would cause a permanent breakdown in their relationship. And if they can for a moment, bring themselves to imagine such a scenario, those cases are usually extreme.
Estrangement causes people to question their fundamental beliefs about parenting and family as a whole. In truth, the question really isn’t even about estrangement, it’s about whether there really is anything ‘that bad’ a parent could to warrant a child not speaking to them?
For many, no matter the situation, the simple and only answer is no.
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Choosing to end a relationship with a parent is one of the most difficult decisions an individual can make, and oftentimes, the fallout can have life-changing effects.
If you’ve made the difficult decision to end a toxic family relationship, or are currently estranged from your parents, here are 7 things to remember.
1. Most People Won’t Understand
Rather than supporting or championing your decision to end an abusive or toxic relationship, you may find many people challenging it.
Estrangement is a situation many people have a hard time empathizing with. This is because it’s easier for people to accept the social narrative of a bad or ungrateful child, than it is of a bad parent.
You may find people looking to poke holes in your story, or find flaws with your decision, because the very existence of your narrative challenges their core beliefs about family.
I’ve had the unfortunate experience of sharing my story with individuals who haven’t experienced abuse, respond by trying to conjure up these almost hyper-abusive scenarios or questions to try to see if the abuse was really, you know, “abuse.”
I’ve come to realize that they want an explanation that you, as the abuse survivor could never possibly give. In essence, they want your story to match up to their own personal beliefs about family, and that is something you cannot do. You can’t make your personal story live up to other people’s expectations, nor should you have to either.
Ending a family relationship, especially with a parent, can make you feel very vulnerable, and increase your need to want to reach out to other people, like colleagues or close acquaintances.
Be mindful of who you choose to confide in about your story, and seek out support and understanding from individuals or groups, who have your full trust and best interest in mind.
2. You May Become Your Own Biggest Critic
More than you battling other people’s opinions about why you chose to leave, you may find the biggest critic you have to battle is within yourself.
We are raised to believe that there is nothing important enough to come before family, and nothing big enough to come between it. Think of the old adage, ‘blood is thicker than water,’ for example.
However, when you are the product of abuse, dysfunction, or neglect, the circumstances surrounding your childhood, through no fault of your own, put you in a position to not so much challenge, but at least question these long-standing beliefs about family, not only within society, but within yourself as well.
The social consciousness that runs deep within society, runs deep within you too, and you may find yourself feeling conflicted about rejecting or putting space between you and an abusive or toxic family member.
There can be a lot of personal guilt associated with ending a family relationship, especially if that relationship is with a parent. Keep in mind you are not challenging the idea of family, you are challenging the impact and reality of people’s actions.
3. The Silence can Last for Years
Silence can last a long time before you look up and realize years have gone by.
Consider the amount of time that has elapsed, especially if you have in your heart a desire to re-establish that relationship. Time does not mean other people will change or grow, but if you feel there is still room left for a relationship, it may be helpful when you reach a point in your healing journey, to reach back out.
Time can especially become a major factor as family members get older, or unexpected health issues arise. Some relationships may be beyond repair, but if you feel there is a chance of reconciliation, then don’t let too much time go by. In many instances, you may have to initiate contact.
If reconciliation is something you want, then be receptive to other people’s attempts to make amends, or consider reaching out yourself, when you are ready.
Image by aKs_phOtOs from Pixabay
4. Every Ending is a Beginning
When I decided to end contact with my parents, I deep down made a vow to myself that I would make the second half of my life better than the first.
Letting go of relationships that just aren’t working will give you space to think, time to create, and freedom to plan for the type of relationships you want in your future. Whether it be with a spouse or your children, consider the quality of relationships you want to have in your life.
Use the space from toxic, abusive, or dysfunctional family members as an opportunity to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the future you want.
Start making plans, and allow your life to become a reflection of the things that bring you joy, a sense of peace, and happiness.
5. You May Have to Sit Out Some Family Events
Some family members may use guilt, anger, or play on social norms and family expectations, to corner you into family events you may not wholly be comfortable with.
You have to find your own balance between yes and no, and decide for yourself which family events you feel you can attend, or which holidays you feel you can reach out.
Whatever you decide, be prepared for sarcastic texts, the possibility of upsetting conversations, or the chance that people will not acknowledge your feelings at all. Social gathering and family events play a huge role in our lives. Don’t underestimate the power they can have over you, but also don’t underestimate the power you have within yourself.
Until you figure out what’s best for you, you may need to sit out a few events. Don’t do this to mourn not being there, instead use the time away to reflect, grow, and create positive space in your own life.
6. Other Family Relationships May Be Affected
Estrangement from one family member may affect your relationship with other family members.
When I ended contact with my parents, I knew everyone would not agree with my decision, but I was little disheartened by some family members reluctance to even talk about it, and in some cases, their hostility toward the whole situation.
This was especially the case with my siblings, whom we all share very different opinions about our parents. Everyone has a different viewpoint ranging from— “they did the best they could,” to “you just need to forgive and move on,” to “well, they’re getting older.”
You’re going to have to deal with passive aggressive family members, and some who feel your relationship can still survive despite the obvious. This can especially be hardest among siblings, when one may choose to not speak with a parent, and the other still chooses to have a relationship.
For myself, I’ve chosen to keep in touch with my siblings who still want a relationship. Although we don’t discuss our parents in any great detail, I’ve done this because I’ve learned to accept that abuse affects every child differently. I touch more on this topic in my post, How to Escape the Family Narrative and Tell Your Own Story.
Relationships are personal, and only you can determine if a relationship with those kinds of fundamental differences can survive.
7. Don’t Wait for Others to ‘Come Around’
When you choose to end a relationship, it then becomes your responsibility to find meaning, value, and purpose for what you went through. This responsibility shouldn’t scare you, rather it should liberate you.
You parents may never be able to give you the answers you want, or more importantly, you need, to move on. By making healing your responsibility, you give yourself the opportunity to turn a painful past into a powerful future.
Don’t wait for an apology that may never come. Some parents and family members just don’t have the capacity to change, or the empathy to be able to see things from your point of view.
Even if one day you do get an explanation, it may be helpful to find your own along the way. You know your family better than anyone, you know their history, their pain points, you know them as individuals, use this to add meaning to your past, and to help explain what happened. This is not to absolve other members of their responsibility, but solely to give you a sense of peace and understanding so you can move through your life without the heavy weight of regret, anger, loss, and pain.
Don’t use the distance to wait for family to ‘come around,’ instead, use the space and time to grow and heal.
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Estrangement is hard for everyone involved. There is no way around that fact. It’s more than just a falling out between two people, it’s the raw acceptance of the painful realization that a person or situation will never change.
For myself, making the decision to end contact with my parents wasn’t about making a point, it was about getting out, and finding my own way to repair the damage that had been done over the course of many years.
If you’ve made the tough decision to end a family relationship, please feel free to share your experiences in the comments section below.
12 Responses
Thank you for this. It was helpful. I appreciate it.
Thank you so much for this article. It was so helpful to read to my fiancé going through this. Every point was like YES
Thank you Elexa and best of luck to you and your fiancé!
I was raised in a toxic family where my father was an alcoholic and my mother was narcississtic. They were so wrapped up in their world they forgot they had three children who needed them. My mother left my father when I was eight and the abuse really started. It was like she took out what my father did to her on me. I was put back in the 3rd grade because I wouldn’t talk afraid that my father was going to kill my mother. He would wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me he was going to kill her because he thought she was cheating. It was him doing the cheating, drinking, and having children outside his marriage. My mother treated me like she hated me. I could never do anything right and I feared her more than God himself. She used religion to control us as well to take care of her. She was lazy and didn’t want to work depended on me and my siblings for income. When I got pregnant and my son got ages 3 and 4 she would beat him and soon realize it was because I couldn’t give her money because now I had a child to care for. When I found a wonderful therapist who helped me to see just how toxic my family was my mother started threatening and physically abusing me and my son. The last straw was when my sister and mother reported me to CPS trying to get my son taken from me. So on August 3, 2012, I moved out. My mother was in shock! She didn’t see it coming, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was 42 years old, mother of 2 and I was still scared I was going to whooping from my mother. I wish I came across this article when I first decided to go No Contact. It’s crazy both parents have no idea why I left they told everyone to be careful when dealing with me that I was crazy! Everything in this article is so true. My mother is Jehovah Wittiness not only did she convince my siblings to have any contact with me, but relatives from both sides of the family. I’ve had family who cursed me out over my decision to go no contact. My favorite aunt told me I was being mean and hateful because I didn’t forgive my mother. I was told I was wrong because I’m still living in the past when in reality the abuse was going on up to the day I left. My mother had everyone I loved wrapped around her finger. The one that broke my heart the most was my grandmother, my mother is her only child. She’s in her 90’s now and my mother decides who she can have a relationship with. Leaving family is like a divorce people choose sides and I was left out cold. It hurt like hell but I know I couldn’t go back. I have one relative who I talk to and come to find out she’s just as toxic as my mother. Now I got to limit contact with her. This article is wonderful and helps with healing. Please continue writing wonderful articles because people like me need to know that there are people who understand what we have been through. People who don’t understand tend to make you feel horrible for decided to have no contact. They tell you got to forgive. In reality, all we need is to heard and help heal.
Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me so much hope and encouragement to know that there are other people out there who knows what it’s like to have to walk away from a toxic/abusive family situation. It resonated so much with me when you said cutting contact with an abusive parent is like getting a divorce – you’re so right, it’s so more than just ending a relationship with that parent, it also involves having to say goodbye to other family members who don’t agree with you, and having to rebuild your life without some of the people you truly love and care about. Thank you so much again for sharing your story here, and I wish you all the best of luck, love, and happiness.
Hi Paige,
thank you for the excellent quality article!
You touched a very important point to me: “we find ourselves fighting two metaphorical battles—the one with our parents, and the one against the social perception of our parents. Both are equally draining.”
I believe the work starts with shortening the refractory period of emotional reaction when we are fighting these battles within our heads. For example, it can happen that we see a happy father with his daughter and if you are particularly stressed or tired that day, you start asking yourself “why can’t I have the same loving relationship with my father?” and suddenly you became sad or mad. If we do not act fast enough and embrace our negative emotions, we can keep having that same emotional reaction for hours or even days. We do not want that for sure.
I think the most painful aspect to deal with is the fact that society does not recognize estrangement.
In my case my family of origin is from a small town in South of Italy and here there is a very very strong concept of family.
Here It is unthinkable to estrange a family member because you always have to forgive and justify other family members no matter what!
In my opinion a toxic family dynamic in extreme cases is the result of a fascist mentality because there is a family leader and, as in fascism, you have to do exactly as the family leader says otherwise the leader starts scorning, shaming and shouting at you. The leader never apologizes because he is leader and has the right to do so. He is excused for all his wrong doing. That is the way it is and you have to accept it. Stop!
These attitudes are completely wrong because they kill the healthy individuality and creativity of the family members.
I am eager to exchange with you ideas and materials such as books, coping strategies etc. on the estrangement topic. Let me know!
Cheers,
Marco
Hi Marco,
Thank you for your comment. I think you touched on something that so many of us struggle with, and it’s how to shorten and get through those difficult emotions when we experience something upsetting in our day.
Oftentimes, it can be just the smallest encounter, or even a simple comment, that can leave us feeling hurt, sad, angry, or upset, and unable to move on for some time. It’s something I still continue to struggle with, and I know many others do too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story, I know it helps me and will also help others as well.
Hi! I’m going to meet my parents tomorrow after 1 year of estrangement. I’m nervous because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I left because things began falling apart after my mother became mentally ill. She became psychotic and started shunning out family members because she said they were all demons who tried to hurt her and that she was an angel on a different dimension and other crazy things. My father is her enabler and does everything she says. Sometimes she pushes him away as well, but then forgives him just to ask him for money or attention. I tried telling him countless times that she was not okay and needed psychiatric attention, but he has some kind of “esoteric/gnostic” beliefs and says she might be right about the things she sees, but sometimes, when he’s being affected by her tantrums then he says she’s sick and complains but never does anything.
Another thing that pushed me away was the fact that my father was my boss, and he displayed the same attitude towards work. He never accepted suggestions or criticism and refused to let go employees who were highly toxic and manipulative, just because they had things to say against him if he fired them. Things turned worse when I started living together with my partner. My parents never liked him and for no reason, because they never took the chance to actually meet him and talk with him. They just said he was being manipulative, trying to take advantage of me, and simply saying they disliked them or even hated him. I was always the agreeable daughter, the one who listened and did as was told. No wonder they didn’t like it when I started pulling away and being my own person.
I’ve been so much happier with just my partner, away from my hometown. I know they haven’t changed, and I’m not expecting them to apologize or even realize their mistakes. I’m just nervous because I don’t want them to be rude to my partner, because he’s been nothing but supportive and loving. I don’t want to resent them, just hoping for a civil reunion.
Thanks for this column!
While reading I’ve come to realize how happy I feel now, it almost feels like a dream.
Do you know any good books to read on this subject? My alcoholic sister caused a huge fight then told my Dad a bunch of lies about the incident to make me look like the bad guy. My Dad contacts me and tells me that me and my family are not allowed in his house until I apologize to my sister. We didn’t speak for two years then I get a call that my Dad was dying. He passed away before I was able to talk to him. During the two years, my sister and stepmom had me written out of the will. My sister tells people she wants to reconcile but that she has no idea why I am upset. I have so many feelings about my Dad and sister I do not know what to do with them.
I just received a letter from my mother today. She is hoping to at least be “pen pals” after SIX YEARS of estrangement and a lifetime of abuse (I am near 50). I feel very conflicted and suspicious. Thank you for this article and for letting me know that I am not alone in these very muddied territories of blood vs water.
This is true. I will add to this: expect to be forced into cutting off other relatives as well. Some will not honor your wishes and may try to force you into contact with your toxic parents. I’d be invited over for a vist, only to have my parents come out of another room while my host began a speech about how I have “entered a reconciliation zone” and nobody is leaving until we “forgive” and “stop living in the past”….. The first time I left. The second time I was physically restrained from leaving and my cell phone taken away from me. I had to threaten them with the police in order to get away. Eventually restraining orders were required.
I didn’t take the decision to go No Contact lightly. It happened because becoming an adult didn’t protect me as I had thought it would. My father assaulted me in a drunken rage at a family holiday gathering, in front of everyone. They still made excuses for him.
You may lose other family members, so be prepared for that. Remember that your safety is more important. DO WHAT YOU MUST TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Having grandchildren just provides more victims that your parents will feel entitled to abuse. Do you want YOUR children to suffer what you did? Think about that one whenever other people try to guilt you. Imagine your child enduring what you did!
I don’t even know where to begin. I have had an on and off relationship with my parents for years. I was sexually abused by my biological mother’s son (half brother) as well as was sexually. abused by my step mother’s son. My dad knows in denial and my told my biological mother and step mother again both in denial. My step brother died in the 90’s but that didn’t make things better my step mother continued living in denial and everything was about her daughter and grand daughter so for a while I didn’t go home for holidays. My dad just drinks to numb his pain so another reason for not going home for holidays. In addition, my step mother was addicted to prescription pills and would be in bed all the time. She died in 2007 or 2008 I can never remember. My dad lied about the reason she died he said it was a heart attack but when it was more like suicide as she had a history of that as well and he said he came home and found her lying on the floor with pills all around her she refused to go to the hospital and later died that night. It was only last year, that I came to realization that she probably killed herself. I am now angry with her not because she killed herself but because when I told her about her son raping me she said “who didn’t rape you.” So I now don’t feel bad that she gone. As far as my biological mother, she left her 3rd husband last summer when I refused to help her move (she moved 14 hours away) she got mad at me. Didn’t phone to say goodbye or even drive by on her way out of town. I am sick of it she is the parent. Sexual abuse is rampant in her family, her father and uncle and sister all sexually abused family members. When I went on face book to contact cousins they are in denial but know the stories are true and also were sexually abused. I have been blocked on facebook not that I care because I haven’t had facebook since 2008. I have no relationship with my dad now because my half brother is claiming my dad raped one of our aunts. Who knows but I haven’t been happy with my dad for years. Never calls , I always have to call him. Last year my ex boyfeind and biological mother tired to lock me up in a pysch ward. When I told the pschriasist what was going on he said my half brother should be in jail and my biological mother and ex -boyfreind need to be in the hospital bed not me. I was having problems sleeping because my ex had cheated on me and the woman was harassing and stalking us once the doctor saw I was back to sleeping normal he let me go. He also called my dad but my dad never responed what new? I am now 52 years old. My parents have know since I was in my early 20’s about the sexual abuse. I am done with the forgiveness route. I have gone to therapy for the sexual abuse but probably have to go for more because I am not talking with my parents ever again they can find someone else to be their punching bag.