Change is the monumental gap between who we are and who we want to be, the distance between the life we have and the life we want.

Let’s face it, old habits are hard to break.

Whether it’s from the failures of our past, our expectations about the future, or very real present circumstances that have to be accounted for, our inability to grasp permanent change can go deep, and prevent us from living a truly happy and fulfilling life.

I’ve always had a complex relationship with change. In my many misguided attempts to be who I thought I should be and who everyone else wanted me to be, I oftentimes found myself failing to be either.

For many reasons, some obvious and others not so much, I could never get change to truly stick, and always found myself drifting endlessly between short-term success and long-term failure.

Waiting for Change

“No one is coming to save you.”

I read those words and literally could feel my entire body shutter.

In my endless quest for change and self-improvement, I recently finished a book called Real Help: An Honest Guide to Self-Improvement. In it, the author makes the following point:

Are you going to wait until the scales tip, or are you going to do what you can with what you have right now to improve your life? It is, after all, your life. Even if everything you wanted…came true, would that provide the type of life you want, without any of your own involvement in the process? Probably not…To be exceptional, you must understand this next sentence (no, really, take it to heart and embrace it):

No one is coming to save you.

Now the author meant this in more of a social manifestation of opportunity, but for myself, it was the shattering of a very real subconscious hope – that things would somehow eventually get better on their own.

One of the biggest things that kept me tethered to my problems for so long was that I was waiting for change to come and find me.

I grew up in an emotionally abrasive and physically aggressive household. The deep dysfunction that ran throughout our family system stunted every aspect of my emotional and mental growth.

The chronic stress that resulted from being constantly let down by the adult figures in my life created in me a relentless longing to be rescued.

Even as I got older, I found myself living my life according to this subconscious childhood belief, that one day, somehow, someone, or something would come and “save me.”  I can’t wholly tell you what that “something” or who that “someone” was, or how this would have all materialized — maybe through an opportunity, maybe through a relationship — I don’t know. All I know is deep down I was waiting for someone or something to save me. To rescue me from the broken pieces of my past, and fix them to create a better future for myself.

This doesn’t mean that I never tried, rather, it just means that my efforts to change my life were rooted in the deeply guarded hope that I would just wake up one morning and you know, “feel” different. Like a metaphorical weight off my shoulders, that feeling would be the true catalyst and motivation behind my change.

The author’s words hit me so hard because it exposed the deeply guarded secret that I already knew — that no one was coming to save me from my problems, no matter how bad they were. And if I had any chance of coming even remotely close to living a life I wanted to live, then I was going to have start the hard work of making those changes on my own.

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For many reasons, I never really saw myself as a potential candidate for fixing my own problems. Your reasons for having a hard time with change are probably very different from mine, but I think we all can relate to the difficulty in creating change, and the mental and emotional spaces we can fall into while we wait and hope for that change to come.

So how did I get out of the rut, and start building lasting change? 

Honestly, the answer is multi-layered, and took a combination of different techniques and self-help practices.

Here is a list of the five most subtle, yet effective, practices for creating lasting change in your life.

1. Start a Routine

 “You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.” ―John C. Maxwell

Half the battle of change is just showing up and being present.

Whether you want to or not, you have a routine. Whether it works for you or not, is another story.

I went through many (many) routines before I was able to pull together, and stick to a semblance of one that sort of worked. Even now, I still have to make adjustments to it as life changes, and new things come up.

Routines help you create a sense of control in your life. It will show you where your time, effort, and energy are going. This is especially helpful if you feel as though your day is just passing you by.

A routine is a subtle form of personal accountability. It’s the haven for change, where if you begin to show up for life, life will begin to show up for you.

2. Express Gratitude

“Learn to be thankful for what you already have, while you pursue all that you want.” —Jim Rohn

Being negative makes it very hard to create positive change.

Practicing gratitude isn’t about being superficially more positive, and expressing thanks arbitrarily, it’s about coming to a deeper understanding of the things you truly appreciate in your life.

There are many benefits to practicing gratitude, or at the very least just attempting to be a little more positive, but the one benefit I want to focus on here is that it is one of the most effective ways to change your attitude.

It’s hard to create any sort of real or lasting change if our attitude and mindset doesn’t change with us.

There’s a reason practicing gratitude seems to pop up on everyone’s “how to change list,” and that’s because it works.

3. Complain Less

“Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them.” ― Lou Holtz 

This kind of goes along with practicing gratitude, but it’s important enough of a practice to deserve its own little section.

When I quit my job to start a writing career, I couldn’t find part time job to support myself as I had planned. Out of my six months of applying, I received only one job offer, and that was to work on a loading dock, unloading boxes all day. I hated it. It was the kick in the stomach when I was already down.

Because my plan did not go according to plant, I became trapped in a cycle of complaint and self-pity. It was months before I stopped to even recognize the opportunity that is inherent in all setbacks.

Yes, the job sucked, but the people were great which made the shifts not so bad. Yes, it was hard work, but it wasn’t stressful, which left me with a clear mental space to work on my writing when I was off.

Complaining prevents you from seeing the potential in your problems. It blocks you from seeing how resourceful you truly are, and keeps you bound to the delusion that you can only be successful if things are going your way.

I don’t doubt that your problems are real, deep, and difficult to overcome, but complaining is only preventing you from fixing what is in your control.

4. Break Bad Habits

“Every positive change in your life begins with a clear, unequivocal decision that you are going to either do something or stop doing something.” —Brian Tracy

The paradox of change is that working on your solutions is essentially working on your problems.

Bad habits are side distractions that divert time, effort, and attention away from your true goals.

We all have a crutch. Whether its binge watching tv, having that glass of wine (or two) after a long day at the office, or just spending hours on our phone searching social media for something to keep you a little less bored than before, your bad habits are unseen forces that gnaw away at your energy reserves.

Giving up your vices completely takes work, and it may be worth it to lean on a support system in the beginning.

The first time I seriously tried to give up alcohol, I asked my husband to do a dry month with me. He definitely wasn’t the most enthusiastic partner, but in the spirit of being a supportive spouse, he joined in. This was just one way I chose to work on this particular problem, but it underscores an important aspect of change, don’t underestimate the value of support.

Yes, you can absolutely do it on your own, but if you find yourself having a hard time, start out with a support system until you feel confident enough to start taking bigger strides on your own.

5. Try Again

 “Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries.” ―James A. Michener

One of the points that gets glossed over a lot when it comes to change is our ability to deal with failure.

Failure is a big part of change.

Just because you try something once, and really gave it your all—which probably includes your time, hope, effort, energy, and money– doesn’t mean that you are incapable of real change.

Success is illusive, not impossible.

I tried several times to start a writing career and to give up drinking so much. Just because I failed at it (many times), didn’t mean I was meant to be a no-talent alcoholic for the rest of my life. The only way I was destined for that outcome is if I gave up trying.

This goes deeper than any ‘never give up’ mantra. Failure is not confirmation for defeat.

I’m not denying that some failures can deal a heavy life blow. When that’s happens take the time you need to regroup, recover, and then get back out there.

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There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to change, however, the most effective tools for bringing about the overdue change we need in our lives is often rooted in the simplest and most mundane of daily tasks.

While creating lasting change is part persistence, part effort, and part hope, it’s also listening to the slow and steady murmur within us, encouraging us to become who we are capable of being.