“Beware of Destination Addiction. A preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job and with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.” – Robert Holden
As I sit on my apartment balcony, drink in hand, a subtle thought crosses my mind, “you know, maybe you’ve got it all wrong. Maybe the reason you’re not happy is because you keep trying to live for tomorrow, for that better day. For the day when God is going to sweep in and change everything. The day when you feel one with life. The day where everything just clicks into place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.”
I look across the blue sky, searching the clouds for some discreet, albeit clear, sign that God or the Universe is out there listening to me. I watch silently as the trees moved in the wind. I close my eyes and feel the sensation of the cool breeze against my face. Once again searching nature, hoping to find in that clear sky or gentle breeze the hidden answers to all my heart’s deepest longings.
Nothing yet…
I take my first sip and sigh in relief and disappointment. As I lean back in my chair, I think about how I’m always rushing through my day. I’m so impatient for it to be over. It actually feels more like I’m running away from my day, and all its pain and problems. I’m constantly running away from one day, trying to get to the next, only to find that there is nothing there once I arrive.
I’ve always lived my life for the future. Always ever waiting for today to end so my better tomorrow can begin.
As a little child, when I would go to bed at night, I would close my eyes, but I wouldn’t fall asleep, I couldn’t. I would lay there, daydreaming, or more so ‘night dreaming’ about my future self, about the day when I could get away from all the hurt, pain, and disappointment that made up my daily existence.
In my dreams, I had the life I wanted, I was the person I wanted to be. I was accepted by my friends and loved by my family. My dreams became my hopes. It was where my better life existed, and I truly believed that if I could just hold out long enough, and be strong, I would eventually get there…
When I was a little girl, I had to look to tomorrow to keep my hope alive. I had to believe that there was a day out there, somewhere in the future waiting for me. A day, a life, that was meant just for me. Where all my hopes and dreams were realized. A day when fate would right-side itself.
It’s been many years since those late nights and I still haven’t reached that day yet. I’ve come close, but never quite made it. I guess somewhere along the way I got lost. I got stuck, trapped somewhere in between the chaos of my past and the dreams of my future.
I think somewhere deep down, I had grown to believe that there was no way I could ever be happy with today. How could I? Today always felt like it was a mistake. Today was the day before my life was supposed to begin.
When I think about today, I think of how hard some days can be. I wake up some mornings and literally have to drag myself out of bed. I make a cup of coffee, sit on the couch, and with my first few sips I brace myself for the dread and disappointment I know I am bound to experience at some point throughout the day. I sip my coffee and silently wonder how the powers that be could have gotten it so mixed up. “I’m not supposed to be here!” I’ve often silently screamed to the Universe, “I’m supposed to be someone else, somewhere else, I’m supposed to be so much more than this.”
I take another sip of my cold drink and bring myself back to the present moment out on the balcony. I begin to take more liberal sips.
As I look back over the sky, I can’t help but also look back over my life, and see that I’ve always been waiting; that I am still waiting, even in this moment. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the tomorrow I’ve always wanted or the future I’ve always dreamed of. I can see now that what saved me as a child, has in a lot of ways held me back as an adult. How bitter-sweet I suppose, I guess I never stopped dreaming of tomorrow.
Finding Your Way Back to Today
Oftentimes, we are not present in our day-to-day lives, because our thoughts, time, and energy are preoccupied with our past pain and future stressors; stunting our ability to experience any enjoyment in the present moment.
There is nothing wrong with dreaming for the future. In fact, in most cases, it’s a healthy mental exercise, but when your preoccupation with the future absorbs all your time, ability, and attention to experience today, there may be a deeper problem at work.
In looking back, it’s easy for me to see now that I was stuck. I became frozen in a thought pattern from a period of time in my life where I was in constant pain. The present moment never truly existed for me because I was always, in one way or another, trying to escape it.
My future was all about my past. Once I recognized, and understood, the source of my discontent (a faulty, yet protective, thought process rooted in my childhood) I was able to let go of this hopeless endeavor and begin to discover new ways to give my life purpose and meaning.
Living for today starts with grounding yourself in your present experiences. It involves letting go, forgiveness of oneself, personal accountability, and growth.
It’s the hard process of understanding your pain and yourself so that you can live the life you choose to live.
It’s a daily practice in self-compassion and love, where you have to be open and willing to embrace both the good and the bad in your daily existence.
The day I started to get better was the day I stopped waiting on tomorrow. I can’t tell you how hard it was to let it go. Tomorrow was a sacred place. It was the place where all my dreams and hopes were being stored. It was the place where my better life, and the better me, was waiting.
Here are several practices and techniques I used to let go of the perfect tomorrow, and find peace and happiness in the imperfections of today.
1. Deep Breathing Exercises
“I am whole and healing with every breath.”
Honestly, when I first heard about deep breathing exercises as a way of cultivating peace and calming yourself, I thought it was kind of silly. How was taking a few extra breaths going to fix any of my real problems? Because I didn’t see the value in its purpose, I didn’t see any point in its practice.
I’ve come a long way from this initial skepticism, and deep breathing exercises are now an essential part of my daily arsenal for bringing me back to my present moment.
Deep breathing is a way of clearing your emotional and mental slate. It’s not about fixing your problems outright, but about bringing yourself back to a mental and emotional state where you can fluidly come up with ways to solve your problems over time.
It also serves as a way of blocking and releasing negative emotions and energy.
Our stress can build up throughout the day, until it’s a point where we can no longer manage it. Deep breathing is a way to let go of your stress, free your senses, and face the rest of your day and responsibilities with a clear sense of direction.
2. Find Ways to Relax
“My body is relaxed and at peace.”
One weekend, when I playfully scolded my husband for laying around the house all day, he jokingly responded that since I never relaxed, he was doing all the relaxing for the both of us. It was a keen observation hidden within a subtle joke. He was right. Not only did I never relax, I really didn’t know how to either.
One of the reasons we can’t enjoy our present is quite simply because we don’t know how to. If you are unable to relax, especially in a setting where you are most comfortable and safe (like at home) it may be a sign of pent up stress and anxiety. It’s hard to unwind with a heavy heart and clouded mind.
Finding ways to relax is an inner search that begins with discovering what you truly enjoy in life. It’s a highly personal and intuitive experience that can take the form of many activities such as getting a soothing massage, reading, watching TV, or going on a vacation.
The physical sensation of relaxing can help you to connect with the true nature of your inner emotional and mental state.
Relaxing is an often overlooked, yet integral piece of cultivating inner peace, and is an essential part of mental health. When you relax the body, you relax the mind.
3. Explore your past through writing
“Write until it hurts, write until it heals.”
Oftentimes, what’s preventing us from moving forward may be from something deeply rooted in our past. Within each moment we may be reliving the pain and hurt from a different point in our lives.
Constantly wishing for tomorrow is a form of escapism. Consider if there is something you are avoiding, perhaps even running away from. It may be a part of the reason why you have a difficult time acknowledging today’s presence.
For me, I chose to explore the pain of my past through writing. I bought a book on childhood trauma that included daily writing exercises. It was personally therapeutic, and I could do it at a time that was best for me where I was ready to think about and revisit those thoughts and memories.
This can be a deeply personal and intensely emotional experience, and it may best to do it with a trusted friend or therapist. When writing about my past, I’ve oftentimes found myself crying throughout the whole process. Don’t go it alone. Find someone to help you through the process if you need to.
4. Commit to a Routine
“I find peace in practice.”
A routine can help you break the constant cycle of disappointment that is often present in wishful living. It’s a simple, yet consistent, way of creating personal accountability, and help replace chronic feelings of failure with a sense of accomplishment.
This can involve simple acts like committing to reading one chapter each night before bed, taking a walk in nature once a week, or doing a deep clean of your home every month.
For me, I committed to a morning routine. Each morning, I designate a full hour to myself. I make a cup of coffee, sit on the couch, and in the peace and quiet of the morning I prepare my heart and mind for the day ahead. It’s more of a mindful practice, than a meditative experience, but it’s something I’ve come to look forward to every morning.
Setting a routine is a small personal gesture of commitment. It’s about creating a spot in your life that you look forward to, because you know no matter what, you are going to show up.
5. Practice Acceptance
“I accept things as they are”
You cannot change the things you will not accept, because essentially, they do not exist. Your rejection of certain aspects of yourself and your life can prevent you from fully living in the present moment.
This was a very hard concept for me to come to terms with, because I didn’t want to accept my life the way it was. It was so far off from what I had imagined it would be. I didn’t want to accept any responsibility for my pain or my problems, and this essentially created a spirit of stubbornness within me. It was as if I was subconsciously saying to the Universe, “until you fix this, I’m not moving.”
Practicing acceptance is a form of letting go, which can create space in your life for growth, understanding, and happiness. There are many ways to practice acceptance, such as through writing, extending compassion to others, or practicing gratitude.
Acceptance creates room for change. Acknowledging the good, and bad, within yourself and lifestyle is a long and difficult journey, but it can help begin the process of dismantling the things in your heart you truly want to change.
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A better tomorrow is waiting, but it really starts with the changes you are willing to make today. You are either stuck living in the future or living in the past, and it’s up to you to make the choice to try to live in the now.
