First insight, next clarity, then direction…
Although it may seem hard to believe, it’s easy to get lost in life.
What’s even more bizarre, is that oftentimes, when you find yourself scrambling to make sense of how you ended up in a place that feels completely unrecognizable, it’s usually after you’ve played by all the rules. After you came up with a plan for your life, where you made sure to account for all obstacles, and to avoid any unnecessary risks.
Maybe you went to college, started a career, even got married, or had children. You built the life you were supposed to build, and yet for some strange reason, you find yourself feeling a little bit unfulfilled from it all.
So why is it so easy to get lost in life?
Because life is always changing, and it’s a hard truth to accept that there never truly is any real guarantee that things will turn out the way we planned; or that once we arrive at a certain point in our lives, that the moment will feel the way we had envisioned.
One of the most harrowing parts of feeling lost in life is that it can create an uncompromising sense of fear. It can make you feel like a prisoner of fate, trapped between the regret of your past and the fear of your future.
If you’ve reached a space in your life that has left you feeling stuck, defeated, and lost, here are three questions to ask yourself to help you find your way.
1. What do my goals really say about me?
“Nothing is more terrible than activity without insight.” —Thomas Carlyle
While it’s the common self-improvement ‘go-to fix’ for problems to start out with the typical, “what are your goals,” question, I don’t think you’re at this point in your life because you never had any goals in mind.
On the contrary, a much more insightful place to start is by asking yourself, why am I even chasing this goal to begin with?
For over a decade, I was driven by the all-too common goal to have a ‘successful’ corporate career. I wanted to be a high-powered position, where I was in charge and making all the decisions.
Why?
Well, for a long time, I didn’t know what was driving me to pursue such a time-consuming, toxic career-path, but in looking back, I can see that I wanted power because l felt unimportant, I wanted money because I had never felt a real sense of security, and I wanted respect, because on a deeply personal level I felt unheard and unloved.
I was chasing the wrong goals for the wrong reasons, and by the time I reached my so-called “dream” career, instead of feeling empowered and validated, I felt lost, disillusioned, and insecure.
Sometimes, our goals can mask deeper insecurities, fears, and expectations.
While most goals are healthy in and of themselves, if fueled by an unclear mix of purpose and motivation, it can lead to feelings of emptiness, along with a loss of identity.
Most of the time, we’re not chasing goals, we’re chasing the feelings behind them, and the life we believe they will lead to once they are achieved.
Your goals are just the outer layer of what it is you truly want and need on a deeply personal and emotional level. Start by looking behind your goals and beyond the spectacle of the dream to figure out not so much what you’re after, but why?
2. What past decisions in my life lead me to this place?
“What you’ve focused in the past has made the person you are now. And what you focus on from this moment forward shapes the person you’ll become.” —Reed Rawlings
See a pattern anywhere in your life?
For many years, my life seemed to be stuck in a constant cycle of disappointment.
Chaos seemed to follow me wherever I went. No matter where I worked, I always found something that made me unhappy. No matter how well I thought I vetted my partners, my relationships were always plagued with infighting, petty jealousies, and messy breakups.
It felt as though life was just happening to me, and I had no real say in the matter.
I began to feel resentful toward my life and my problems, and because of this, spent a long time looking down the dark-hole of anger, fear, and regret, before taking a step back to examine my other mindset options.
Now this doesn’t mean truly terrible things outside of my control didn’t happen, but my inability to handle them left me emotionally crippled for a lot longer than was necessary, or beneficial to my growth.
If you see a pattern, be honest with yourself about what problems you may be avoiding, and others you may be inadvertently contributing to.
Now I’m not writing this to point out your mistakes, but to make you aware of your potential. Taking responsibility for your life and your problems is about personal empowerment, not self-blame.
Let me tell you something that no one ever told me. It’s hard. It’s hard out I here, and if no one has ever told you this before, I truly believe, that no matter what it is that you are going through, that you had the best intentions all along. That you didn’t mean to end up in a place in life that would leave you feeling naked, stripped, and cheated.
And if along the way you made some missteps, don’t beat yourself up. It’s time to start thinking about your past from a different perspective, with a little more context and clarity.
Separate what is in your control from what’s not, and start working on releasing the blame for the few things that maybe in your mind were highly preventable. Let a bad decision be a bad decision, and leave the commentary to your critics.
Meanwhile, you get back to understanding yourself better, working on moving past your mistakes, and working on your new plan to get you out of your current situation and back in the game, which leads me to my last point.
3. What are my options?
“True life is lived when tiny changes occur.” —Leo Tolstoy
Options baby!
This question is all about recognizing what you can do versus what you can’t do, and to start coming up a plan to focus on the former.
Sit back, because this is going to be a long-term process. I know you feel desperate to feel better right now, and as much as I wish that for you too, it’s probably not going to be the case.
Over the years, I had become so disillusioned with my career that I began to hate going into work every day. I wanted to quit, but for many obvious reasons (like paying rent) and not so obvious reasons (my sense of self-worth was deeply tied to my career) I couldn’t just walk away.
But, what I could was in my spare time begin to research my next career move, start using daily affirmations to deal with toxic co-workers, and begin to set aside a little money each paycheck for when I finally did decide to quit.
This is all about finding the small opportunities inherent in every problem. Even if you’re outside world can’t exactly change in the moment, you can begin working on the small emotional, mental, and personal changes that will help prepare you for the life you want to live.
Your biggest gains aren’t always found in those big, drastic, immediate changes, but rather in the small, daily steps you take that bring your closer to a greater sense of self-awareness.
Make a list of the small personal and private things you are able to control and change, and use this as your starting point to help guide you from where you are, to where you want to be.
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It’s easy to get caught in what feels like a bit of dead space in your life. A place where you are stuck in a constant state of re-evaluating past decisions, all while trying to plan and prepare for future ones.
When you feel lost in life, the direction your life will need to take is oftentimes reflected in the small, personal, and positive steps you remain committed to day in and day out.
Remember, you got this. Trust your own sense of direction enough to know that no one knows what’s best for you better than you yourself.
