My husband and I have very different fighting styles. I am the reactionary fighter, while my husband is the passive aggressive one. When we fight, I completely shut down. I can’t help it. I can go days on end without uttering a single word, and the more hurt I feel, the deeper and longer the silence can last.

On the other hand, my husband’s response is no response at all. He doesn’t acknowledge the fight, nor the silence it created. He oftentimes will act as if nothing has happened, and will go on about his daily routine as if nothing is out of the ordinary.

In the midst of really heated and prolonged battles, the atmosphere of our home can become extremely charged and tense. Just like a quiet storm, you can’t see it, but you can sense its presence.

In those moments, we cease to be a couple, but more like two strangers operating out of the same space.

What is the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is an extreme form of communication based on unexpressed hurt feelings. It’s expression through repression, in which the wounded party is trying to convey the simple, albeit silent, message of “I am hurt.”

This type of fighting technique can be deeply rooted in one’s past, and can be unique to traumatic childhoods. It’s an age-old attempt to get love and attention, while still protecting the victim’s feelings and sense of self.

As a child, my parents would do and say terrible things to me in one moment, and then act as if nothing had happened in the next. They never acknowledged my hurt feelings, or the pain they caused. It was as if their words and my feelings never existed.

 As children, we need an open environment filled with love and understanding to express our feelings in. When that space is denied, we turn our anger, pain, and frustration inward; hiding our wounds, all the while hoping that those around us will take notice of our silent pain.

Why We Do It – The Silent Sufferer

Somewhere in life, you suffered in silence.

At some point in your life journey, you were denied your natural right to share your real feelings, whether it was anger, hurt, frustration, outrage, appreciation, or love.

Sometimes I still feel a profound and deep-seated sense of pain and loss when I think of my family. I oftentimes feel as though I never had, and possibly never will, the chance to express my true feelings. There is so much from our past I want to say, I want to confront, I want to expose, but my family does not acknowledge the things that happened to us. We are not an accepting family, open to criticism, or to any sentiments that go against the general family storyline.

When I thought about why is it that I shut down when my husband upsets me, I’ve realized that in the midst of our fights I feel an instinctual need to protect myself and my feelings. I hold onto to every fight, every argument, every misspoken word, because I’m trying to get his attention. I’m trying to silently say to him, “please don’t discount my feelings, they are really important to me.”

Healing Ways to be Heard for Both You & Your Partner

I’ve learned through many heated arguments, wounded feelings, lost battles, and missed opportunities for reconciliation, that defiance by silence doesn’t work. There are many other positive, and much more effective means of getting your voice heard and your feelings acknowledged.

If you are on the giving or receiving end of the silent treatment, here are a few healing ways to help you and your partner break down barriers to communication and find healing through listening.

For You

1. Explore Other Areas of Your Life in Which You Feel You Are Not Being Heard

The silent treatment is all about unexpressed hurt and anger. The irony in giving someone the silent treatment is that you really want to be heard.

In many ways, you may be trying to express to your partner all the things you wished you could have said to an aggressor from your past, or to an individual in a current situation. Explore other areas of your life in which you feel you are not being heard. This could be at work, in a friendship, or within your own family.

2. Let Go of Lingering Resentments from Previous Fights

Holding onto to past fights makes for one loaded battle. Some helpful ways of releasing built up emotions and stress from past fights include exercise, mediation, and deep breathing exercises.

My favorite letting go practice is affirmations. I use them as a means of calming down and re-centering my thoughts, energy, and emotions. Some of my most trusted affirmations for letting go are: “I am in a safe space and can express how I feel without fear,” and “my love is open at all times.”

3. Express How You Feel Outside of Fights

A fight is not, and should not, be the only time you express your hurt or anger. Sometimes, an unfortunate after-effect of experiencing trauma at a young age is that you fail to see other healthy alternatives for expressing your emotions.

This may be one of the hardest things to do, but in the midst of a fight, hold back on what you have to say until you are calmer, and bring up how you felt at a later time, outside of the context of a fight.

On several occasions, I’ve brought up my feelings to my husband from a fight that occurred days, or even weeks, in the past. I know I have completely caught him off guard, but the less-charged atmosphere made for a calmer and more productive conversation.

4. Be Receptive to Make Up Efforts

It may not come in the form you want, but make up efforts deserve acknowledgement. One of the things that keeps us from reconciling for so long is that we already have in our minds how we want our partner to make up to us. Whether that’s with a heartfelt apology, flowers, or a gift.

Whatever the make-up efforts are, it’s probably not going to be what you envisioned.

Be kind to your partner’s attempt to break the silence. Fights are unavoidable, and sometimes necessary to creating change, but prolonging a fight past its usefulness is defeating for everyone involved. Keep in mind, the longer the fight, the less likely the chances your feelings will be heard or addressed in any meaningful way.

5. Acknowledge that You Have a Toxic Fighting Style

Own your hang ups. Accept that you have a toxic fighting style. Withholding your love through avoidance and silence is mean and cruel; you now this, because it was done to you.

I know that deep down, all you want is for your partner to see that you are hurting. To come to you, to acknowledge your hurt feelings. To hold you, and let you know that everything is going to be okay, and that they understand. Giving them the silent treatment will not get you this result.

Ignoring someone in attempts to get what you want will only serve to seriously damage, and even destroy your relationship. Remember you goal is to be heard, not to hurt.

For Your Partner

1. Don’t Wait Out the Storm

Acting like nothing is wrong is probably the worst maneuver you can make when dealing with a partner who has gone silent. Hoping that they will simply come around, or just “get over it” generally doesn’t happen.

Waiting for the fight to be over is damaging to both parties. If you sense the tension, try your best to talk it over with your partner. Addressing an issue in its early stages is an effective and preventative way of avoiding a long and drawn out fight.

2. Acknowledge Your Partners Hurt Feelings

This is not about accepting blame or responsibility, but about honoring a different point of view. You may not agree with, or even see, what it is, or why it is, your partner is upset, but treat their perspective with compassion and respect.

Consider that you may have hurt their feelings, whether you intended to or not, or may have said something at a time when they were already feeling extremely vulnerable and fragile. People who use the silent treatment as a defense mechanism are generally very sensitive, and words that may not hurt your feelings, may severely wound your partner.

3. Try Gentle Reminders

You may feel like you’re always the one chasing after your partner, trying to get them to talk when they are mad. And you know what, you’re probably right.

Gently remind your partner of times and instances when you have extended the proverbial olive branch. Oftentimes, the person giving the silent treatment is so hurt that they can’t always recognize attempts to make up.

4. Know That It’s Probably Not You Partner’s First Attempt Get Your Attention

While it may seem like your partner’s silent treatment is their first attempt to get your attention, it’s usually their last line of defense. This extreme form of fighting is rarely the result of one minor offense, but of several built up over time. There were probably subtle ways in which your partner may have tried to make their feelings known that just simply went unnoticed.

Keep in mind, you partner is always trying to communicate their feelings to you. You don’t need any discerning powers to understand how they are feeling, just an open and gentle awareness of their communication style.

5. Create an Inviting Space for both You and Your Spouse to Want to Talk Openly

People who use the silent treatment want to talk, they just don’t know how. They are longing for communication and a safe space that invites authentic feelings.

Consider your partner may want to talk but feels at that time and moment they cannot express themselves. Make for a warm and inviting environment when they are ready, by turning off the tv, putting your phone down, or going for a walk together to talk and reconnect.

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As a final tip for both spouses, just remember to keep trying. Even in the midst of your worst fights, you owe it to yourself, and to your spouse, to talk, to listen, and to love.