My journey with therapy started back in my early 20s and lasted well over a decade. Other than a few intermittent breaks due to a big move or major life event, I remained committed.

I had heard so many stories of people who had gone to therapy and “done their work,” and were all the better for it. I wanted that to be my story too. But after years of hour-long sessions, and several different therapists, I was disappointed with my progress. I didn’t really feel any better, and was starting to think that maybe some of my problems couldn’t be fixed.

I didn’t want to admit to myself (or to my therapist) that I didn’t think therapy was working. I couldn’t accept what I believed would symbolize another failure in my life. I kept going and thought if I just stuck it out, I would begin to see a positive difference in myself and in my life.

In looking back, I can see why therapy didn’t wholly work for me. Perhaps if I had realized some of these reasons back then, I could have made some changes and walked away with a different ending.

If you are currently going to therapy, and find yourself struggling to get the most from your sessions, here are a few tips and ideas to help you along your journey to healing, and get all the benefits that therapy has to offer.

1. Overly Self-Conscious During Therapy Sessions

Therapy is meant to take place in an open and inviting environment. And to their credit, a lot of my therapists took great pains to make sure their office was a neat and comfortable space. But no matter how welcoming the setting, I still remained extremely self-conscious.

I had ingrained in me from childhood an unfortunate need to please adult/authority figures, and I could never fully break free from that, even though I myself was an adult, and in a safe and controlled environment. Despite all the time we had spent together, it was hard for me to see my therapist as my confidant or ally.

Tip #1: Sometimes it can be hard to talk about ourselves. We live in a society where most people view talking about yourself as being self-centered, rather than self-empowering. It may sound redundant, but try talking to your therapist about your insecurity about talking to your therapist. Together you can come up with ways to make the environment feel more comfortable and the discussions more relaxed.

2. Focusing too Much Day-to-Day Problems, and Not Enough on Deeper Issues

I worked a highly stressful job, had family problems, friendship issues, and suffered a lot from motivation-fatigue. Although I was managing a lot of my day-to-day responsibilities, I was not the high-functioning adult I thought I should be, or knew I could be.

To help me better cope, my therapist and I spent a lot of time talking about practical habits I could incorporate into my day to ease some of the pressure I was feeling. But without constant reassurance and supervision from my therapist, I often found myself falling flat, or only half-heartedly trying to complete the things I said I would do in each session.

I was failing to take control of my daily life not because of bad habits, but because of my deeper issues of low self-esteem, low self-worth, guilt, and fear.

Tip #2: The outer chaos of your daily life may be a sign of a deeper inner turmoil. Of course, deal with any life-inhibiting problems first, like substance abuse, addictions, abusive relationships, but once you’ve gained a little balance in your day-to-day functioning, begin to explore your past. Maybe even suggest to your therapist to dedicate a few sessions to talking about your childhood, growing up, and past relationships. The pain from you past may be masquerading behind the pain in your present.

3. Inconvenient Therapy Session Time

I went to therapy once a week, right after work. My therapist wasn’t necessarily in the area, but I thought a good therapist was worth the commute. At the time, I didn’t consider that my work schedule was subject to change last minute, and I oftentimes ended up staying late on days I hadn’t planned to.

On therapy days, when I would leave work late, it automatically put me in rush-hour traffic. I would be stressed the whole ride there. Sometimes, I just barely made it on time, or had to call to say I’d be a few minutes late (something I hated doing). When I finally did arrive, I was still anxious from the commute, stressed from leaving work late, and frazzled from rushing. It was a bad start to my session, and I often couldn’t shake the feeling for most of the time I was there.

Tip #3: Make sure your therapy session time aligns with your schedule. Don’t try to squeeze it in at the end of a busy day (like I did). Check with your therapist about their availability and see if they have a time slot that works best for you and your lifestyle. For me, this would have meant seeing if my therapist was available for a Saturday or Sunday appointment. Finding a time that best fits your schedule will help prevent bringing any unnecessary stress to your session.

4. Never Knowing What to Talk About

I oftentimes felt clueless on what to talk about in therapy. My therapist and I spent most of our time talking about work and family, but those were my easy, go-to topics, the kind of stuff you bring up in a casual conversation just to be polite.

I relied a lot on my therapist to start and keep our conversations going. When I did initiate conversations, I spent a lot of time talking about what I thought my therapist wanted me to talk about, instead of the things that were really bothering me. 

I didn’t realize it then, but I was unprepared to talk in therapy. Even when hanging out with friends or colleagues, I’d spend a little time thinking about a few things I could bring up or questions I could ask to keep the conversation going. I don’t know it had never occurred to me to try this same technique with my therapy sessions.

Tip #4: Take a few minutes during the week to write down your thoughts and feelings, and bring those notes with you to therapy. It’s a great way to capture all the emotions you may have experienced during the week, and takes the pressure off of having to come up with something to talk about on the spot. Even consider bringing some old journal writings if you have them. Use your earlier writings as a way to help guide your conversations, and have more meaningful things to talk about.

5. Therapy is Not a One-Stop Shop

I wanted therapy to fix me. I truly believed that once I talked about all my problems, and got it all out in the open, I would begin to see a positive change not only in myself, but in my life as well. To be completely honest, I wanted therapy to be my savior.

I had begun therapy at a time in my life when I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Not only was I depressed, I was desperate for help. Therapy was my last resort, and I didn’t know what I would do if it didn’t work. (This was part of the reason why I continued to go, even when I felt it was time for me to move on and find other options).

I was always hoping for that self-awakening breakthrough in each session, that “aha!” moment when everything would fall into place and all the pain would lift right off of my shoulders. I was putting a lot of unspoken pressure on myself and therapist to find all the answers to all my problems. I didn’t realize that the answers I was looking for were within me, not my therapist.

Tip #5: Be realistic with yourself about your own personal expectations for finding healing. Therapy may not be the only solution to getting better, and your recovery may involve a combination of techniques and activities such as meditation, exercise, journaling, etc. Therapy can have amazing results, but be open to exploring other options for finding healing. Oftentimes there are many resources available that you can do in conjunction with therapy to help strengthen your confidence and your recovery process.

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Had I recognized some of my own fears and concerns, I could have made some changes sooner and quite possible have walked away with a different experience. Although I didn’t get the results I was hoping for from therapy, it was still an instrumental part in my journey to finding healing. When I finally made the decision to end my therapy sessions, I walked away with a lot of meaningful insight about myself, my family, and my life.

If you currently go to therapy, please feel free to share your own personal tips and recommendations below on how you are able to get the most from you experience.